Highway

By Draconias Galactica

2003 Draconias Galactica

I've been wandering around in the wasteland for years now. I don't remember how long it's been since that so-called "firestorm" fucked up the world, but it's been a long time. When the bomb hit, I was asleep. I was sleeping in my basement because my room was crawling with Goddamn ants, and the basement was the only place that didn't have unnaturally black flooring. I woke up, I went upstairs to take a piss on the ants, and the ants were gone. So was the upstairs. So was the rest of the world.

To make a long and boring story less long, I wound up wandering around in the wasteland. I eat when I can, which isn't too often. I never was any good at killing anything. The problem with being a carnivore is that there aren't too many herbivores around anymore, so my food is trying to eat me.

I see people around sometimes. Sometimes they're trying to eat me, and I have to get out of there. Sometimes they're trying to fuck me, and I have to get out of there. Sometimes they forget that the bomb wiped out everything and they're trying to sell me something while they take off their pants. That's why I headed up towards Colarado, towards the mountains. Up there, it's hard to tell the nukes ever dropped. It's all just mountains, snow, and no people.

It's not like I wanted to get away from the ruins of civilization. They don't depress me, they don't disgust me, they just don't interest me. They're relics for a different time. They're not for this time. And it's not like I hate people so much that I don't ever want to see another one again. It's just that...I don't know. I guess I want to see the mountains, and that traveling naked salesperson seemed like a good a reason as any to go.

About three days after I started out, something felt weird. It was nighttime, but there was this faint glow in the ground. It wasn't green, so it was probably just a sign of an insane mind. Later on, it started getting misty. The mist itself felt weird, like it had some sort of energy flowing through it. I kept on walking, not giving a shit, wanting nothing more than to see the mountains.

And then...I stumbled onto it. It was a road, perfectly intact. It was a wide road - back when there were cars to drive, it could have held eight across easily. And it stretched on from one side of forever to the other. Of course, in the mist, forever wasn't that long, but it was still a damn weird thing to see. It was almost like the mist was surounding the road. Again, though, that was just the sign of a mind going nuts. Too much wasteland, not enough food in belly to stay sane I guess.

What the hell, I thought, and I decided to step onto the road. The minute I did, I saw people appear in the mist. I was about ready to wet myself, but I hadn't had enough water in a long while to do that. They came from both ends, walking along the road. When I got a good look at them, it wasn't as scary as I thought. It was scarier, but in a different way.

The people walked with their heads looking straight ahead. They walked in straight lines, at different speeds, but always walking like they had nowhere to go. Their arms hung at their sides, like they were unwanted shirt sleaves or something. They dragged out each step for as long as they could, their feet never really leaving the ground completly.

But the worst part was their faces. They didn't have any, at least anything I'd call a face. They had a mouth and nose, but they were bland and featureless. They looked like shopping store dummys, but worse. What was really bad was their eyes. They were the same on everybody. Large, wide, and looking straight forward. Behind those eyes, there wasn't anything. It was just an endless procession of people who didn't look alive or dead. They weren't even somewhere in-between, they were somewhere different altogether. Like there was something other than life and death.

They walked past me, not noticing my existance. I can relate, I barely notice I'm here unless my stomach reminds me. They weren't aware of each other, either. Not even their own selves. I stood there, watching these non-zombies walking past me. It hit me a minute later what they were. Zombies was a good term, but it wasn't enough. And besides, they definatly weren't corpses moving around and doing polka. They were something like zombies without souls, or without hope.

All they wanted, though wanted was a bad word to use, was to keep moving forward. They didn't expect anything, they didn't hope for anything, they just took what they had and accepted it. I thought about it...they were like me. Or, I was like them, though that sounded worse.

I didn't want anything, other than to survive and go to the mountains. The more I thought about that, the more it sounded like all I wanted as a vauge goal and to live long enough to get there. I didn't care what happened when I got my vauge goal, I just wanted something to occupy time.

I was like that before the bomb, too. Day by day, I only had some short term goals. I wanted to watch some TV, I wanted to kill these fucking ants, I wanted to get some sleep this weekend. I never had any big goal, or any purpose for my life. I was living by killing time. No goals, no wants, and that all adds up to no hope. No hope means my life will just be nothing but some random day-by-day events.

And before I knew it, I was walking forward. It was getting hard to see past the mist that surounded the damn road, like my perception was dying. If I don't have any hope, why should I care if I see the dirt, though? But something about all this was striking me as wrong. In my mind, the vauge goal of going to Colarado was slipping away. If I don't have any hope, why should I care if I can't keep a goal straight in my mind? What's the difference between walking there and walking to...where the hell does this road go anyways?

Maybe I was there to find some sort of hope for life. Maybe I was there to give those zombies hope. Maybe I was there because I don't belong in a world of hope and despair. Maybe there didn't even exist outside of my mind. First things first, I guess. How am I supposed to get any hope out of realizing that I don't have any?

I tried thinking of what I wanted to be when I was a child. It was a long time ago, though. But there had to have been something! You don't get burnt out and surender until you've lived long enough to be bitter. When you're a child, you're too stupid to know about the world yet. Of course, it could just be like the ruins of civilization. Childhood ambitions, innocence before I started learning, hope, they're all just relics for a different time. They're not for this time.

An astronaut...yeah, I think that's what I wanted to be. Then I learned about the dangers of going into space. I leanred that anything other than the moon would take months, years, lifetimes to get too. But when I was a child, all I saw was an endless field of fireflies in the sky, and I wanted to see every single one. Knowledge killed my hope for that.

And later...I think, it was something about water...oh yeah! I wanted to be a deep sea diver. Maybe it was because something more realisticly do-able than being an astronaut, but still similar enough. I wanted to swim through all the oceans in the world. But then, that bitch knowledge showed up again. Aparently, the sea can crush you into a tin can. Aparently, the sea is too dark to see in. Aparently, you have to breath now and then.

Another thing came back to me. I wanted to get married to this one girl, something something. Great, I can't even remember her Goddamn name. She wasn't the most beautiful person I'd ever seen, but she definatly looked something great. She had this great handwriting. I don't remember why I wanted a good looking girl with great handwriting, but I did. Maybe I was just used to setting my standards lower and lower because I was hoping (hoping - heh) for something to actually not work out. But, like before, things didn't work out this time. It wasn't knowledge this time, she just didn't give a damn about my existance in general. I don't think I've looked at another woman since.

I tried and tried, but I couldn't remember anything after that where I had a dream, a goal, fuck, even a desire to _do_ something. Don't it figure, that's when my memory starts becoming clearer. I finished college, and got the first job that would pay enough for a home and food. It didn't matter what it was. I don't even remember what it was now, except that it was something knowledge couldn't fuck up completly for me.

And then the bomb hit. Before the bomb, I worked overtime because it was something definite for me to do. When I went home, I was left to my own devices, and they weren't that good. Just about every day ended with me falling alseep on the couch watching TV. After the bomb hit, the rules of the game changed but the game was still largely the same. Nothing to do, and nothing I _want_ to do. The bomb didn't take away my hope - after all, how can you take away something that's already long gone?

The mist got thicker. I couldn't see the other side of the road, it was that thick. I don't know how things work in here, but I can guess. Like imitates crappy TV shows, after all. If I don't find some form of hope, I'll wind up like these zombies. They probably all failed the test I'm not doing so hot on right now.

The question is, what's there to have hope for? Everything I've ever hoped for, it got crushed. Maybe my lack of hope is some sort of fucking mental self-defense or something. Maybe I had my chance at hope and blew it. Maybe I just don't want hope, because every time I had it the world didn't let me have it. What's the point of having hope if it's just something that makes you depressed to the point of killing yourself over it when you don't get it?!

I thought back to being an astronaut, to my first and most vivid memory of having hope. Why did I want to be one? I wanted to see the stars, see the other planets, see something that no-one has ever seen, or at least something few people have. And then, when I wanted to be a diver, I wanted to see what was underwater. I wanted to see Atlantis, the thousands of sunken ships, and Poseidon. And then, back with what's-her-name, I just wanted to see what everyone else around me was seeing. Each time, though, I wanted to see something new, something I had never seen before.

And all of a sudden, the mist receeded. I realized what I wanted, what I hoped for. I wanted to explore. I wanted to explore the universe, then part of a planet in the universe, then one being on the planet. But each time, I was trying to explore. But everything that could have been explored by a human being had already been done so, thank you very much knowledge you ass.

But now, the slate's been wiped clean. What knowledge mapped out has changed, and knowledge itself is starting to disapear. Which means, I had an opertunity. I could explore a whole world that had changed overnight. And just as sudenly as the mist receded, the road and the zombies disapeared. I was...somewhere, I didn't know where. Perfect. I didn't need any fucking knowledge to come in and tell me everything.

The people who explored the land got to name the land. I figured I should have that privledge. I declared where I stood to be Phantom Highway Drive, and started my exploration.